Scrolling down, we saw that someone had taken the time to write a multi-paragraph review of “European Cup.”
Thinking it was a joke, I started to read it out loud only to find that it was totally for real. He had me from the opening paragraph:
So earlier this week, I was dying to get Soccer Dog: THE MOVIE, as it has "THE MOVIE" in the title to remind you of what it is. It also has this in the title, as to not confuse you with the non-existant show of the same name. But, I got the wrong one thanks to it being misplaced, and instead, had to suffer through the atrocity that is Soccer Dog- European Cup.
Curiouser and curiouser. We started clicking through his previous reviews and found that this was someone who had literally taken the time to review almost every product known to humanity. Pop tarts. A “photography book” named “Panties.” And so on. A.N. Roman seems, from his collected reviews, to be a kind of benevolent Comic Book Store Guy.
Over time, this co-worker and I started using A.N. Roman’s name as a shortcut word, applied whenever someone had strongly felt opinions over relatively minor matters. It was handy and descriptive. I might say, “You know, not to get too A.N. Roman about this, but the new binder clips just suck. Is the plastic different or something?” We also used it to denote uber-geekdom, as in, "No, I'm not wearing a Rorschach mask to the Watchmen opening. Who am I, A.N. Roman?"
A.N. Roman’s tastes weren’t necessarily surprising – horror and action flicks, weapons, naked chicks, South Park/Comedy Central stuff, and the kinds of music most of us have outgrown (metal-y Primus-y kinds of things.) Sure, there’s an occasional surprise – he reviewed Cibo Matto’s “Viva La Woman,” quite favorably, for example, but I guess it’s interesting to me that he is largely predictable and entirely genuine in his likes.
And then, it all went sour when I found that he had reviewed flavored condoms. And that therein lay an embarrassing admission:
These are probably the worst things I've ever bought in my life. Even worse than this paper plate that had a picture of a rubber duck on it. After a few now-exes of mine used these with me, they said that there was hardly any taste. So to find out for myself, I opened the strawberry one and started chewing on it. They weren't kidding. It tasted more like old yogurt that had like one strawberry sprinkle melted on it. Yeah that was a stupid description, but that's because these are stupid condoms. And I advise against using them for actual sex because they end up making more of a mess than you'd make without them. Save your money and use flavored syrups instead.
These get 2 stars over the minimum of 1 because they can be used as back-up gum/mints. That's about the only other use I can see these serving as.
Emphasis added.
What drives A.N. Roman's determination to furiously catalog his every product-related like and dislike? Is Amazon his version of social networking? It must be, in a way - you can discern from his profile that he is about to have a kid. So, it’s working.
I guess I should expect then that A.N. Roman will be furiously reviewing cutting edge toys and the like from now on. But will having a kid cause him to lose his top-500 reviewer status on Amazon? Will real life get in the way of reviewing consumer goods? Only time will tell. Thus far, I have a very specific kind of respect for A.N. Roman because he has created - through intense labor - a bizarrely personal and shockingly intimate world inside of the vast maze of consumerism known as Amazon.
For further reading:
A.N. Roman’s Amazon profile
A.N. Roman’s blogger profile
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