What Would You Do For Free Papa John's Pizza? (Twice)

Ugh. So, the saving grace from the losses in basketball is that Papa John's has decided to blow its promotional load all at once. And considering that the Abstract Citizen household, much like the rest of the nation, is facing a time of economic uncertainty, free pizza is the kind of pizza we currently favor. Even chain pizza - except for Pizza Hut, which I believe is made from fermented bread, regurgitated tomatoes, and distilled ex-lax.

As nice as it is to have coupons for two free pizzas, claiming them proves very troublesome. It's carryout only, and you have to claim the pizzas the next day. (What are we going to do with two whole pizzas? Lord knows, but again, they are FREE pizzas, so we will gladly accept the challenge.) I google "Papa John's Adams Morgan" and get a hit on 14th street. Googlemaps says it is just below Columbia Heights. Great. I place the order, am told that they will be ready in 15 minutes, and kill some time before heading out. As I step outside, it starts raining. Hard. I scurry to my car, stick the key in the ignition, turn it and...nothing happens. Profanities start hopping around my bedraggled brain. Instead, I think, "Screw it. I'm going to put on my running shoes, grab a couple plastic bags to protect the pizzas once I get them, put on a rain coat, and I'm running over there." I also have a conference call in 50 minutes, but the 2400 block of 14th street should only be about a mile away, so I'm not too worried.

I literally sprint over to 14th street, and start looking. Several blocks later, no sign of the Papa John's. I'm well past the 2400 block - I'm in Columbia Heights, being eyed warily by the decidedly non-yuppie sidewalk types. I call back and discover that the Papa John's that was listed as being on 14th street is actually at 20th and Penn. More profanities. I ask if there isn't a location on 14th street, without mentioning that i already ordered two pizzas from the 20th/Penn location. I get a number, call, place an order. Guy tells me that it's just above 14th and U. Sweet - I'm only about 9 blocks from U. Off I go. The rain is coming down in big chunky drops now. Pregnant rain drops. Pregnant with triplets. Fat triplets. Enormous rain drops. You get the point.

I get to U street, and again, the familiar refrain - no sign of a Papa John's. UGH. Call back. Plead with the guy - now I have 10 minutes before my conference call, and no matter what, I have to sprint back home. I prevail on the guy to grant me a waiver on the carryout-only clause of our binding agreement. He does, but tells me the pizza will be on its way and at my door in - you guesed it - 10 minutes. Off again, again at a full time sprint. The rain drops get bigger, somehow, and harder, and faster. I'm calling Ms. Abstract Citizen for moral support, full steam in the rain, explaining where we are, and indicating that our "free" pizzas are going to cost us a generous tip to the delivery guy.

End of story. I make the call, the pizza gets there, I tip the guy five bucks, and we call it a day.

Until Saturday rolls around. Again, the day after a Wizards loss. Since AAA replaced my car battery, everything has been fine. We have two more coupons for free pizza. This time Ms. Abstract Citizen places the order, because I don't want to be type-cast as "Mr Free Pizza." We get in the car, I turn the key and...

Nothing happens. Dead battery, again. Profanities, again. This time we confirm the location and walk the mile and a half over there, except that we had already gone for a six-mile run earlier in the day. So, this is not a pleasant time, but again, 35 minutes later, we are the proud owners of two free Papa John's pizzas that we don't particularly want, but...here we are. Now I am waiting for my second AAA visit in almost as many days, fearing that I will need to take the car into a mechanic.

If you say something twice, it means something else the second time. But if the same lousy thing happens to you twice, it's just that - a lousy thing that happened to you more than once.