The Trumpeter sits less than 20 feet from the door to my office. She is probably in her mid forties, though you’d be forgiven if you took her for being at least ten years older because of her complete lack of self-awareness. I don’t know, I usually assume that you don’t get to be as clueless as she is until you’re much, much older.
The Trumpeter dresses in bright monochromes. By which I mean: Blue. Purple. Red. Red is really her favorite. She said of a brightly colored carpet, “I just love those strong reds! I want to just lie down next to it because it makes me so happy to see those kinds of colors!”
She has at least three different monochromatic outfits: a shirt with matching jacket, pants, socks, and shoes - all part of a set. It’s vile. We joke, “Oh, it’s a BLUE day.” But really, we are crying on the inside, for the embarrassment of the human mind. She also looks like a bag lady, or like someone who needs assistance – in the form of mental health services, mostly – from the state.
On days when it’s cold, or when snow is in the forecast? She wears these enormous boots and SNOW PANTS. Mind you, she doesn’t ride the metro or anything. Nor does she ride a dog-pulled sled to work. She walks exactly 10 feet from her front door to her car, and then she parks in the garage here. Why she would possibly need heavy gear for that amount of walking is a mystery to me.
She also farts. All day long. She sits in her cube and farts, almost nonstop. This has led to some flare-ups over the years, but she simply replies that “This is not the kind of thing one can control.” Right, because no one in the history of humanity has ever held a fart in. This is why we call her the Trumpeter, or Dizzy.
One other note about her house: she is apparently a hoarder. She calls her husband – with whom she speaks to in a formal, clipped voice (“It took me months to figure out that R____ was her husband because of how she talks to him!” said one cubicle-mate) – and asks him to “clear a path” to various portions of the house. During a conversation with co-workers about the joys of having a fireplace when it’s cold outside, she quipped, “Yeah, I think we have one of those in the living room.” SHE DOESN’T KNOW FOR SURE IF SHE HAS ONE because of the amount of crap in her house. Ugh.
She once marched into her boss's office and demanded time off to have her tubes died. President Bush, she claimed, was about to criminalize abortions. You see, she was worried that she would be attacked and impregnated. Under this new set of laws, she would be forced to carry the attacker's baby to term. Now, I don't mean to downplay that as a concern. But who assumes that this will inevitably happen and demands time off to take preventive action against it? Especially considering that, you know, Roe v Wade can't really be overturned by executive order.
According to the personality test we use at work, she is a daring entrepreneur. She is the second coming of Bill Gates or something. Seriously! She is forward-looking. A visionary. A decision-maker. This irked me so that I actually held up part of a weeklong training session on this personality evaluation tool (she wasn’t in the training, but her boss was.) I demanded that she be retested or that the trainer explain how the test could have been so wrong.
Trainer: Well, maybe you’re wrong about your co-worker. Maybe she is an intrepid risk-taker.
Me: I can promise you I’m not wrong. The test is wrong. I don’t want to be mean-spirited, but the fact that the test says that she is the Indiana Jones of our company means that you are going to look very silly when people hear about this.
Trainer: How do you know the test is so wrong, though?
Me: SHE WEARS SNOWPANTS on cold days. She puts THE CLUB on her car every day – and she parks inside OUR garage! She goes to the metro Web site and determines the exact cost of her metro ride before going to the station! This person is NOT a risk-taker!
Trainer: Well, one of the interesting things about these tests is how they often lead us into these discussions…
Me: No no, don’t move on. This really is a problem for this test’s credibility in this building. [turning to the person next to me] I’m talking about K____ W______! Can you believe this?
Person next to me: Really? The test says she’s the CEO type? Wait, he’s right. We need to talk about this. The test can’t be right…
Regrettably, I haven't even touched on the fact that she is a black belt in exhibition judo and frequently wins gold medals at the Pan American games - because her team is the ONLY TEAM in the event. They don't fight - they just do poses or some shit. It's ridiculous. If that's legit, you might as well give out medals for Wii competition, as far as I'm concerned.
1 comment:
It is TOTALLY time for a webcam...
Awesome.
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